I didn't want to do this. I was hoping there was another way I could process what I'm experiencing without opening myself up to other people's opinions. Right now, I'm just not strong enough to fight off random bullshit from someone who isn't willing to understand. But, here I am and here it is. There is an overwhelming feeling of impending doom. I fully expect something horrible to happen that will make my decision to remain a part of this world seem like a foolish one. It's not like I'm expecting an asteroid to crash into the planet, but I'm anticipating something that would cement in my mind the sense of hopelessness and worthlessness I feel. I'll never be ok. I'll never find love. I'll never be a mom. I'll never have the life I want. There is something so fundamentally wrong with me and there is no way to resolve it. I see no relief from that. So what's the point?
My body is tired all the time. I have no energy. Some days, I sleep from morning until night. I only get out of bed because I have to.
My head aches. Maybe it's the crying (only three non crying days in the last two weeks). Maybe I'm dehydrated due to my diet of anything carbonated and sugary.
My eyes hurt. I can't focus. Can't stop wringing my hands.
The anxiety. My heart races. I struggle to catch a breath.
The negative self talk is getting worse. I know the truth is no where near as horrific as it is in my head, but still, the conversation continues: "Who the fuck is going to want you?" "You're trash." "You can't do anything right." "What is wrong with you?" "You used to be pretty. Not anymore." "You used to be smart. What happened?"
It's so hard to believe anything. I don't know who to trust. I'm confused. No matter what, I feel completely alone, unloved, and unlovable.